The words are finally coming back to me.
I’m piecing together a story. I’m trying to get brave enough to return to our stories. I’ve been reworking I Want A Mommy into something possibly publishable. It’s almost Christmas time and money is tight my heart hurts.
I just want to fucking talk to you, to feel the relief I used to get from the sound of your voice. I’m so tired of feeling like I have to do everything on my own. I feel like I’m failing – every choice I make is the wrong one. I don’t know how I am going to do Christmas this year. We our savings is drained from Peyton’s medical trips to Wichita to see his neurologist and all the funerals.
The last year and half have been hard. So, fucking hard. I need a break or a miracle or a puppy to wander into my backyard.
Love you Momma.
About Emily Bevan
I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter and mentor.
I am beautiful, fun, loving, but that also means I can be cranky, grumpy and a worry wort. I tend to over-concentrates on things if I've had to much coffee or take Ritalin. I zone-out if I am bored, go off into lala land and daydream. I have nightmares, I can't sing but I do anyways. I enjoy music, and the idiot box. I say naughty words often.
Sometimes I feel like a retard, when I don't understand things. I am self-conscious about my spelling and dyslexia. I have been to Mexico, I enjoy other cultures, I think about things, though sometimes not before I have said them. I regret, I cherish, and I strive to achieve my dreams.
I would like to live too see my children graduate college, travel and explore Europe, see the grand canyon, graduate college, drive, buy a house, see the end of the war, go to Gettysburg, visit the history museum in New York City and Washington D.C. and someday complete Zelda from the super Nintendo.
thestrong1 
I’m so sorry she’s gone. I know it’s so hard. My Mom has been gone for 14 years now and I still run into tears when thinking about her/needing her. (and man, do I hate crying) Remember that you are a part of her that is still here. Try, when you can manage it, to celebrate the good times you remember. (And preemptively schedule a vacation day for her next birthday, as that will be a brutal-ugly cry day.)